I’ve had the kids’ song ‘Taste and see that the Lord is good’ stuck in my head all afternoon and it seems so inappropriate today.
We went in to the hospital this afternoon to get results from our CVS test on whether this bub will be healthy or ‘incompatible with life’, like Nina was. And it’s not good news.
When you’re waiting for these results it kind of feels like life is on hold for 15 weeks. You have this super exciting thing happening, yet you have to hold yourself back from feeling anything, because the answer you’re waiting for really is life or death.
And this is why you hold yourself back. Because actually, all your hopes and dreams literally get thrown under a bus with a couple of words. So holding back probably makes it hurt that little bit less.
How did I feel walking in there today? I think I felt 50/50, maybe a little leaning towards a negative outcome. There’s been a lot going on in the last week in the lead up to results – random extra tests needed because of maternal cell contamination, more waiting time, big issues with my diabetes and pregnancy… and I think we both had a slight inkling results were heading that way.
But I don’t like to give up hope. I walked in today flatlining, not feeling either – I guess preparing mentally for either outcome as much as I could.
In watching my Dad struggle with cancer, walking the Nina journey, and then this again, I’ve discovered this really fine line between hope and reality. Between healing, and hard and fast medical fact.
Sure, hope. Hope with all your heart. Pray, pray, pray if you’re that way inclined – it has pure power. But also keep the reality of life in an imperfect world close to mind.
The tune ‘Taste and see that the Lord is good’ feels a little like a slap in the face tonight. But that’s a quick human reaction to a little part of a big picture. (Note: I am all for feeling sorry for yourself sometimes!).
I knew the question of ‘how do you feel about God when he allows something like this to happen to you… twice?’ would be one of my biggest mountains in this next episode. And I guess a first night punt at it, probably ain’t going to cut it. But, yeah, it hurts. And it’ll hurt more as I dig into it. But it’s something I’ll need to do. Might fill you in when I’ve figured it out!
I trust God’s got my back though. I can see it even in the waiting for results. It’s the most calm I’ve ever felt about it (if you’ve never experienced it, it’s a pretty tense time). And as my friend randomly text me this morning, not knowing we were getting results today… “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” Isaiah 26:3.
And so we step on into the next phase. Despite everything it feels good to move on.
I’ve thought many times about what I would have written on Nina’s headstone, and every time I come back to, ‘You lived because you were loved’. There was nothing else to her but love. Every choice made for her was because we loved her and hoped with all our being that she would live. And she did. And so, we do it again.
This verse (along with the several preceeding it) is often rolled out at weddings.
“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance” 1 Corinthians 13:7
Its sentiment is beautiful and noble. The reality though, of never giving up, never losing faith and enduring through every circumstance, is slightly more challenging. In fact it is a daily grind to turn your thoughts away from negative, away from woe is me and I can’t do this, to back on the task. But that is love. True love, I guess.