Playing God... again
So a lot changes at the moment, in just a few days.
We spent most of the day yesterday at the hospital for a lineup of appointments… scan, midwife, diabetes specialist, obstetrician, social worker, palliative care team. And walked out 4 hours later emotionally drained, but with a very different game plan than what we were working with last week.
The obstetrician today was awesome. She talked us through every scenario for baby and I – all the timing factors, all the risks, and all the possible outcomes.
And she also put almost all control in our hands. They have basically said we can decide how and when the baby is born, all with the hope that we get to meet her alive. As the midwife said, we’re in the driving seat.
While that is a pretty amazing position to be put in, it’s also a rather weighty decision to make.
We’ve been in the position of playing God before at the beginning of this journey, deciding whether to terminate a baby not compatible with life or continue on. And this feels very similar…
There’s lots to take into account…
Leaving baby on the inside gives her a better chance of developing and not needing as much assistance and intervention (eg. oxygen tubes, incubators etc) if she lives on the outside. And she needs that time as she’s pretty little compared to normal babies.
It’s a balance though, because what happens if we leave her too long and she ends up being stillborn and we missed that chance to meet her?
Feeling slightly between a rock and a hard place.
You can see why it’s easier to leave these decisions to the big guy upstairs! And those are just the big calls – there are a lot more things to mull over. A whole lot of ‘what ifs?’ start flooding your mind.
So what are we going to do? Well, there’s a lot to talk and pray about. Really we hope to get as close to 36 weeks as possible… That seems close enough to the finish line without taking too much control. We hope.
I’m seeing the obstetrician weekly now which gives a little bit of assurance. And the most indicating factor of something going wrong with baby is my blood sugars – if they drop away dramatically it generally means something is wrong with baby, so I’ll be watching those pretty carefully too.
At the end of the day we can be given ‘control’ in this decision, but at the same time have no real control at all. And that, is ok by me.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7